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Siezed at the border by American authorities. 

The absurdity of it all. 

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A Newfoundland woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's poor sex drive.

“What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus mary and joseph, doctor, twas
horrid. Just terrible!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee, la? De

effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunder and jaysus, didn't he take me right then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"

"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I had in 25 years. But, oh me son, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's ever again!"

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.  Do =
not
open it.   Apparently this one is pretty nasty.   It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of =
your
credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking =
on
your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you =
attempt
to play.   It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 =
numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.=20

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.   It will =
drink
ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty
underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.   It will
replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.   If the
"Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave =
the
toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to =
a
full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, it will  also refill your skim milk with whole =
milk.

***
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so =
hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And =
look at
you - you're on the computer!!!

Thanks to my friend J for this:

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.  He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

 

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.  On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.  "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole

behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.  He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

 

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.  The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

 

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.  I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.  What do you sell?"

 

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

 

"No, I won't."

 

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

 

 With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

 

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

 

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H,

so I'm still a hole behind you."

I saw a preview for the new Disney flick Herbie and had to laugh at the song the had playing in one part - I think it was the one where Herbie was having the hots for a new VW. The song is Butterfly by Crazy Town, here are some of the lyrics:
the chorus
Come my lady
Come come my lady
you're my butterfly
Sugar.baby
come my lady you're my
pretty baby ill make your legs shake
you make me go crazy

the first verse
Such a sexy,sexy pretty little thing
Fierce nipple pierce you got me sprung with your tongue ring
and I ain't gonna lie cause your loving gets me high
So to keep you by my side there's nothing that I won't try
Butterflies in her eyes and looks to kill
Time is passing I'm asking could this be real
Cause I can't sleep I can't hold still
The only thing I really know is she got sex appeal

I like this song, but if people flipped out over "phallic images" in Little Mermaid I wonder what they will say when they figure this one out. Makes me laugh.

Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But you can't have babies.
Stan: Don't you oppress me.
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
[Stan starts crying.]
Judith: Here! I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.

******
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace -- shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.

*****
Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in.

*****
Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack! [they all stab themselves] That showed 'em, huh?

*****
[A line of prisoners files past a jailer.]
Jailer: Crucifixion?
Prisoner: Yes.
Jailer: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. [Next prisoner.] Crucifixion?
Prisoner 2: Er, no, freedom actually.
Jailer: What?
Prisoner 2: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Jailer: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Prisoner 2: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Jailer: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Prisoner 2: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.

*****
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
[silence]
Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

***
Brian: You are all individuals!
The Crowd: We are all individuals!
Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I'm not!

Monty Python's The Life Of Brian Quotes

Don't let the bastards grind you down....and keep smiling

I’ve been on a bit of an academic tangent lately so to speak, so I thought I would lighten things up a little tonight. Many of you who seemed to enjoy my Gomez post, so I thought I would share with you the Story of Moose.

Moose, also known as Private Pyle, (I can’ remember his real name, even the instructors started calling him Moose) was on my course at the PPCLI Battleschool when I did my reg. Force training. Moose, like Gomez, was a walking clusterfuck (there really is no substitute for that word) but was neither charming nor likeable. Moose has to be to this day the dumbest man I have ever met, I am not trying to be cruel, but he was. Moose was big – about 6’3 and I would swear he was 4’ across at the shoulders and had a meanness about him, the kind of meanness borne of a lifetime of being told he was stupid, and knowing that he was. He was from Manatoulin Island and I swear the gene pool of his family had the depth of a rain puddle.

During the week before course started, we filtered in by twos and threes, all but three of us were direct from the reserves. I first met Moose when he was unpacking, it wasn’t his clothes or something like that that caught my attention, it was the fact that he had at least two machetes, one hatchet and God knows how many knives of all sizes. These were later taken and locked up before course since personal weapons were considered contraband – good thing.

The first Moose incident was before the course started. Some of us were up at the Junior Ranks mess having a few wobbly pops because we knew in a few days we wouldn’t be getting any. Some of the lads came bursting through the door out of breath. They said “Don’t go back to the shacks, Moose is nuts.” And proceeded to relate the story. First I have to explain something – when an NCO walks in the room, the first one to see him yells “ROOM” as loud as he can and everyone drops what they are doing and stands at attention. Well, Moose was taking a nap on his bunk and the boys thought they would have a little fun. One of them grabbed a can of shaving cream and made a nice little outline all around Moose. Then they stood back…and yelled…ROOM. Ol’ Moose jumps up off his bunk and stands at attention. Then he realizes that he is covered in shaving cream. We learned that night that he did not have a sense of humour. He sat on his bed, drinking Aqua Velva and sharpening is blades saying “I’ll get you all for this”.

The next Moose incident was regarding his boots and inspection. Now, in the Army, and most particularly in the Infantry, boots are extremely important. Two pairs of combat boots, one pair of parade boots, one pair of dress shoes (never worn) and one pair of garrison boots (I hated garrison boots, think 12 hole docs but bigger with a mirror shine). When the instructor looked at your boots, you had better hope he could count his nose hairs in the reflection. Combat boots didn’t have a mirror shine, but we had to paint the soles black every night. Moose had serious difficulty with getting his boots to standards, so being good platoon mates, we showed him a few tricks. 1. Take you finger and get a huge gob off polish and just smear it all over. 2. Let the boots sit for a while. 3. Take your damp Kiwi cloth and make little circles until they shine.

How’s the Meatloaf song go? “Two outta three ain’t bad”? Moose had no problem with numbers 1 and 2 but number 3.…The next morning about 5 minutes before inspection, Moose’s fireteam partner is doing the buddy check and we hear “Holy shit Moose!!” We run over and look. Moose had smeared the polish on and let it sit. Overnight. He didn’t buff them at all. Boots fly across the barracks, and six of us stand there polishing like mad before the NCOs show up. We felt so bad for his fireteam partner, because you are supposed to look out for each other, and he had his hands full.

The next Moose incident was during inspection again. Now, during inspection you are at attention, you do not move, make a sound or speak unless spoken too. The Master Corporal comes to Moose, who is in a different section of the barracks then I am, and we hear:

MCpl: Moose, did you clean off your mirror this morning?

Moose: YES MASSACORPAL

MCpl: Then why the fuck is there lint on your mirror?

2…

3…

Moose: ALIENS MASSACORPAL

A wave of snickers and snorts of stifled laughter rippled up the barracks until the MCpl shouted “STILL”. Fuck Moose. We said that a lot.

On to the next incident. Now, when you have your C7 rifle, you are only allowed to tear it down so far unless you are a weapons tech. Moose fancied himself a weapons tech. On the day that Moose and a few others were supposed to exchange their rifles for C9 light machine guns, he was giving the C7 one final cleaning. And he took that weapon apart as far as you can. He took the butt plate off, removed the cover in the butt plate that held the cleaning kit in etc. The time comes for him to put it back together again except…He had lost the cover. He had no clue where it was. In about 15 minutes the swing NCO is on his way to pick them up and march them over for the exchange. Each and every one of us tore apart the barracks, dumped all his kit out, emptied every garbage can. We still could not find it. So, 15 minutes later, we all look out the window and watch him march off, wondering who it will be that gets stuck pulling guard when they put him under close arrest. Believe it or not, it got taken care of. $200 bucks to get the storeman drunk and it never happened.

About 7 weeks into course, I had trashed my knees and the Medical Officer took me off course and sent me to the sick and lazy platoon (oops, I mean holding platoon), so I didn’t see much of Moose for a while. One day he comes in to the holding platoon barracks, and I knew what week it was for my old platoon. It was week 16 of 16. Now, they had a real nasty thing they used to do to recruits they didn’t like. Pass you all the way through until the final week, then fail you on the Final Training Exercise (FTX). I thought this was what happened to Moose. Not quite. Apparently, he had mentioned quite loudly that during the live fire exercise he was going to shoot the platoon commander. Stop. Do not pass go. Remove your headdress. Left right left right left. Welcome to Orders Parade. He was summarily convicted and recoursed. Recourse is when they kick off one and send you to another a few weeks behind.

Moose ended up on at least 3 courses, maybe four. He was kicked off all of them for violence against others in the platoon. One night at JDs Saloon, he laid out a British officer. Knocked him cold. An officer. The British regimental police were after him for a while. The RPs even kicked in a motel room door looking for him. Wrong room. Poor guy in the room was just lying there in bed with his woman. Moose spent more time on charge parade then he wasn’t on charge parade. I don’t know how much money he lost. The minimum fine was $200 a pop, basically have your paycheque. He did however, finally learn to polish his boots. On charge parade you show up at the Orderly Sergeant’s office at set times to be inspected. At the end, the only thing he was told was “Trim your nose hairs.”

Moose was eventually released as an “Administrative Burden”. The CO told him that if we were at war, they would keep him (maybe because he was psychotic?) but in peace time he was too much.

He turned in his kit, and one day he was gone.

ps...does anyone know how to get the scroll bar funticon to work? I really think I need it

Well, not only is it Friday, it's the long weekend.  So I thought I would post this to help out some of you who may be partaking.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass empty

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Action: Turn glass other way so that open end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet

Fault: Improper bladder control

Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Everyone looks up at you and smiles.

Fault: You are dancing on the table.

Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.

Fault: Beer is too weak

Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: You don't remember the words to the song.

Fault: Beer is just right.

Action: Play air guitar.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you are in.

Fault: You have wandered into the wrong party.

Action: See if they have any free beer.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.

Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up.

Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind is unusually clear.

Fault: You have been in a fight.

Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Floor blurred

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying

Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

Symptom: Floor moving

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!

Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Action: If your glass is full - and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

Fault: You have fallen forwards

Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark

Fault: The pub is closed

Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!